United Airlines – Flight UA125 – 9/16/16 –
Crap. We all do it. The number of different ways to describe the process of crapping is insurmountable; shit, poo, drop a dookie, dropping a deuce, taking a dump, etc. Check out this site of terms compiled by some random shitter. On the other hand the places we can take dumps is infinity. Think about it…you could poop anywhere you want. Hell, I could poop on my desk right now if I wanted….or if I felt like it I could shit my pants right this very moment. However, there are some places we are forced to shit.
One place I absolutely despise when it comes to dumps; Airplanes. I was recently subjected to a nine hour flight to a far off land for my honeymoon (wife is an amazing trip planner btw). Before departing I made sure I dropped a nice slimy one, as to prevent the need to crap on the plane. Unfortunately, I was served the below sloppy ass coach food early in the flight (Some low quality greasy chicken slop).
I also had several celebratory brewski’s with my wife to initiate the honeymoon. Well folks, I can tell you right now that the two don’t go hand in hand (at least into my stomach), but they definitely go hand in hand while exiting my sphincter. After consuming the first half of the above dish I immediately unbuckled my seat belt and shuffled my clenched ass cheeks over to the bathroom. First sight; three people standing by the door. “Damn” I say to myself while a hot fart bubbles out of my pants (crop dusted so many of my fellow economy travelers). I get over to the bathroom door and in a hurriedly, almost frantic, exchange of words I ask if they’re in line. Luckily they weren’t, and I was able to get in there (after figuring out how to operate the damn door for ten seconds – always push – just like when you poop)
I burst through the door and barely had enough standing room. My shoulders are broad as all hell (my wife tells me I’m the widest person she knows). Being over six feet tall makes bathroom experiences on airplanes fucking horrendous. Gotta hang my head lower while I’m in there so I don’t hit it and get a concussion (even though it smelt bad enough to knock me unconscious). Also, knowing that I’m 35,000 ft in the air while the plane is wobbling and bouncing all over the place makes pooping a daunting task….but when you gotta go….you gotta go. Come to think of it turbulence makes pissing a challenge for guys (I ain’t about to sit and pee). Bottom line is….there are no alternatives to pooping when you’re in a plane. You can hold it in, but who wants to do that? Then you get all backed up and need to take a couple fiber pills or laxative to fix yourself. Unless you can get everybody in the coach section to close there eyes or turn away while you plop it into a resealable can, jar, or bag you’re forced to use that little room that’s barely big enough for a small dog. It sucks like the flush of the toilet bowl.
Another thing that I really hate about crapping on planes; other peoples shit stenches (This actually goes for all bathrooms). If I ever have to wait to shit because someone else is I’ll either wait for it to air out, or go find another toilet to blowup. Got no choice on a plane. The second I pushed open that bathroom door the smell just smashed me in the face like a rotten tomato hitting a wall. I could feel the fecal aerosol lining my mouth, nostrils, and lungs. For those of you that are asking…”what’s fecal aerosol?” – Fecal aerosol is what occurs when you’re flushing a toilet that has a high velocity flush (mostly public toilets). The flush is so intense that it kicks water into the air that contains fecal matter and you breath it in! Thus fecal aerosol. I obtained this information from a Microbiology teacher about a decade ago when I was majoring in a medical field. The instructor told me she had actually complained to the college that the toilets in the school flushed too hard; causing fecal aerosol to be propelled into the air. Lovely isn’t it? On a plane the space is even smaller, with the air having no where to go. That’s it…breath deep the fumes of life.Bathroom was a fucking mess, water or piss on the floor, and the garbage can was over flowing with trash.
I don’t know what suggestions I could provide other than maybe getting a softer toilet bowl seat. You know, one of those cushioned ones. Other than that everybody suffers when shitting on a plane – especially after the winner, winner, chicken dinner.
On a random note….when we arrived at our first hotel in Athens and proceeded to the rooftop bar….we were greeted by the following posters on the walls that I couldn’t resist taking photos of as they were both toilet related;