Antonio’s Brick Oven Pizza – Metuchen, NJ 6/28/16
Haven’t written a review in a while. Got kind of distracted by the good weather, getting married, and putting my wife through training school. It’s Tuesday and my coworkers couldn’t fight their insatiable need for free food. (I’m the only one in the office that packs a lunch). No managers in the office today – just the admin and us three coordinators. For some reason, I was tasked with finding a new place to eat. I’ve walked around the downtown area of Metuchen a few times, and there is a crap ton of places to get coffee and chow. I used Google to find a new place. We usually eat the same type of shit all the time (pizza places or delis). I came upon a Thai restaurant that delivered from Metuchen and they immediately start complaining about “no, I want something regular”. I let out a sigh of disappointment and find a pizza joint located on Main Street in Metuchen and everyone cheers….Antonio’s Brick Oven Pizza it is.
I printed up their menu and specials from the internet. “Just as I thought” I mutter to myself as I inspect the menu…everything that every other pizza place in the garden state has – just with different brand ingredients and item names. I must say though…this place has one hell of an extensive menu. They break their pizza up into categories which is weird; Deep dish pizzas, white pizzas, wood fire brick oven pizzas, marinara pizzas, and bar pizzas. Normally all that shit gets lumped into one category; Pizza. I’m no scientist…but I’m pretty sure all pizza is created equally. No need to break it down by the color of the pizzas skin. Ya impractical fucks. Look at how they got their cheese steaks listed on the menu though, it’s kind of funny;
Decided to play it safe and got a chicken cheese steak with hot peppers, onions, mushrooms with American cheese. When in doubt always go with the chicken cheese steak. I mean who could fuck that up? AND IF YA DO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DROP FUCKING DEAD…..OUT OF THE FOOD INDUSTRY YA FUCK. That being said, this place shouldn’t need to drop out any time soon. The admin ordered the food and stated they’d have the grub delivered by 1230pm. Right on time. Someone wants extra brownie points from a new customer!! Antonio!! You sly dog you!! To my surprise my cheese steak wasn’t sloppy like most cheese steaks. Maybe I just watch too many cooking shows, or maybe I’m just a fucking snob, but the flavor profiles were there. (I’m not even sure what the fuck that means, but laugh when I say it to my wife when we cook at home) Moderately sized portion for $7.95. I’m definitely full.
The free food fiends (AKA my coworkers) all seemed to have the same response when I individually questioned them as to how their food selection was…”it was good”. Thanks coworkers. Maybe a little more feedback next time and perhaps a “ALL HAIL RUDEBERT”. It’s like they care, but they don’t care. The admin got a grilled shrimp salad. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and she was done eating the shrimp and was in the process of throwing the entire salad in the trash. I laughed. Wasteful. I guess since everyone was delightfully satisfied we’ll be ordering from this place for the next fifteen years. Out with the old, in with the same.
Francesco’s Pizza 4/1/16 – Edison, NJ – Don’t believe I’ve written a review about this slop hole before. I’m not surprised. Any place that fax’s over a ‘Specials’ menu daily that’s as long as the English alphabet should be avoided. You got too many damn items on the menu which is interfering with your ability to focus on your craft – which should be to deliver good food. Instead, customers order dishes the chef questions ‘we have that on the menu?’ cause he obviously can’t fuckin’ remember how to properly cook it. Take a look at the fax below;
What the fuck are you doing that you fax us a new specials list every day? How do you come up with this shit? You’ll notice that at the bottom of the fax they write, “Order can be placed as early as 9:30am!”…in parenthesis underneath they should write – (and it’ll still look and taste like complete shit and not be the way it’s described in the menu!!).
Ya see…I’ve been on a semi-health kick lately so I tried to order something not too fattening and high in protein. Nothing in the specials list appealed to my health, so upon further review of the actual menu I found something that sounded decent; Chicken Scaparella – Boneless breast, sweet sausage, broccoli rabe in a garlic and oil/white wine sauce. Mmmm sounds so delightfully healthy…HA! What a fucking joke! I should file a false advertising suit. This shit came in tin container with about an inch of some sort of olive oil/butter mixture on the bottom. Soggy as fuck. The sweet sausage looked undercooked and more unappetizing than a pile of lard shat out of a cows ass. The pasta would turn to moosh upon being stabbed by my fork and would come to resemble white poop. I also counted the amount of chicken in it by bites. There were six bites of chicken in this slop bowl that appeared to be breaded (couldn’t tell – it was too damn soggy). The rest of the meal was supposed to be sculpted around the chicken, not the other way ’round.
Part that really pissed me off is I didn’t get the salad I chose as my side. I guess it’s a side? I mean it came with pasta which I didn’t know I was going to get because I chose a salad…but then if you look at the top of the menu it says served with pasta. Well, if it’s served with pasta why the fuck would you order pasta as a side ya fuckin’ asshats. Are you trying to kill people? Specifically diabetics who’s bodies can’t process carbohydrates the way a normal person’s pancreas would? Ya fuckin’ murderous fucks. If Gordon Ramsey had to visit this place he’d probably burn it to the ground.
Good Fellas – Fords, NJ 3/9/16
Office ordered from Good Fellas again today. I’m sick as fuck of the places near the office. This place is the same as all the others. Part of the problem could be I order the same shit every time, but hey nothing on the menu sounds more appetizing than anything else. Maybe the real problem is there’s an overabundance of shitty places for offices to order from in NJ. I’m going to suggest the next place we order from and be rude as hell about it. “We order from the same fucking places every time, fuck everybody’s diets…lets get Mexican”. Then a mariachi band will walk into the office, start playing, and I’ll start dancing.
I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich…at least I thought I did. It showed up as shredded iceberg lettuce on semolina bread. Seriously, see below photo. Dryer than the Sahara, flatter than the flattest flapjacks, this chicken cutlet below is the slimmest I’ve seen…like they put it through deli slicer.
Not to mention the chicken was supposed to be grilled. It looks like someone threw a flat iron on it and sprayed water underneath to steam it. You may be asking yourself why there’s a salad dressing wrapper in this photo. It’s because I needed dressing for my salad sandwich. Love it. Masters of their craft! The almighty inconsistency of the Good Fellas!!
Good Fellas – Fords, NJ 2/4/16
Back in action! For some reason we always order from Good Fellas when I decide to get back into the review game. It’s not that we haven’t been ordering, or that I haven’t been eating out…I just didn’t have the energy to write a review. THAT BEING SAID (after 48oz’s of coffee) – let’s get started. Today I ordered something from the regular menu at Good Fellas…something I don’t do too often because usually their specials are AIIGHT. Spicy Roast Beef & Jalapeño Cheese Sub. They had me sold on it the second I read the name – considering most of these pizza places that serve subs all serve the same shit – because it’s name led me to believe it was soo different (oh my!). Ingredients; havarti jalapeno cheese, Cajun mayo, lettuce, tomato, onions, oil & vinegar served on semolina bread. I ordered it without mayo, but that didn’t stop them from loading the fucker up with it. (This is a common practice of many food places in NJ – tell them what not to put on it, and they’ll fuckin’ load that son bitch up like garbage in a dumpster). My thought process lad me to believe that because it’s name the word jalapeño it would be spicy…not true…not true at all. There wasn’t any point during the consumption of this masterpiece that I felt any spice that would register on the Scoville scale. (Maybe this sub is falsely advertised – considering jalapeño’s are between 2,500 – 10,000 SHUs) – or maybe I shouldn’t of inferred that a cheese that’s infused with jalapeños is going to be hot. Not to mention they advertise the roast beef as being spicy…which just seemed like ordinary roasted beef to me. Didn’t appear to be dry rubbed with any spices or anything. Now some of you may argue, “But Rudebert, why don’t you just add the spice yourself?”…because I don’t carry a bottle of fuckin’ hot sauce around with me…that’s why.
The three tons of mayo they put on it made it a sloppy mess to eat….I should of resorted to eating it with a fork and knife considering I needed a towel to clean myself off after each bite. We didn’t have a super huge order today considering there aren’t any technicians or managers in the office today; but damn, it took that shit an hour or longer to get here. I was pretty hungry when we ordered so I put myself down for a whole; for $12.30. It was definitely worth the price…I only ate half of it….probably kill the other half tomorrow…as sloppy, non spicy, and a little soggy as it was.
Good Fellas – Fords, NJ 12/16/15
Damn, haven’t written a review in a while. We ordered Good Fellas at the office today and I got one of the specials off the special list they fax over to us on a daily basis. The sandwich is called the Mama Mia. All I can say is Mama Mia in my best Mario accent possible. Shit is good. People complimented my choice…and I acted like I had made it myself with ingredients from my yard. “Oh yes, I grew the eggplants in my yard and fed my organic chickens the finest chicken feed so their meats would be succulent and juicy for my Mama Mia sandwich” I say to them. The Mama Mia is wholly comprised of semolina bread a piece of golden fried, breaded chicken cutlet with a slice of fried eggplant plant on top smothered in tomato sauce with a thick piece of melted mozzarella cheese oozing over the sides – like mount saint fuckin’ Helen blowing it’s top with lava running down the sides of the mountain; powerful, sexy, and mother fuckin’ deliciousness.
As I finish eating I proclaim to my coworkers that this is by far the best sandwich, or meal for that matter, I’ve eaten since beginning work in this office 14 months ago…silence…no one cares…..BUT I DO! Priced at an amazing $7.50 and comes with homemade chips. One thing that accentuated the taste were the sesame seeds on the semolina bread. Definitely added a nice robust flavoring smack to my taste buds. I have a hunch, and this is just a hunch here folks…the reason the food came so damn deliciously prepared today is because we ordered lunch at like 1045am. Guess the chefs weren’t that busy when we called and could focus on their craft; making their Mama’s proud. Only dislike is that I was hungry…and even though we ordered early as fuck the food didn’t get here til’ about noon. Bastahds.