Category Archives: Generic Shitholes

True American Hero

Bone Fish Grill 2/26/16 – East Brunswick, NJ 08816

Wife was out and about with our big sis shopping around last night for goods, stimulating the economy because their father raised them to be good Americans. About 930pm she calls me up and says she’s coming to pick me up; we’re getting some food at Bone Fish Grill. I get up, throw on some clothes; jeans I wore to work three days in a row, L.L Bean flannel I wore to bed every night this week (they tell me I look like a thugged out Latino whenever I wear it), and a seven dollar beanie hat big sis got me from Costco. Fifteen minutes later we were on our way…and by on our way I mean drove across the main road our apartment is off of, parked, and walked in.


Been to this location many a time, only ever had one bad experience (more of a weird experience actually). A few months ago my wife and I rolled in, seated ourselves in the bar area, gave our order to the waiter, and didn’t see him again for an hour. When he finally re-appeared our food wasn’t in his hands, and he started talking to us about miscellaneous shit…like where he lived. Philadelphia? Man, we didn’t ask! Did you do some heroin before you came to work today? Or smoke a blunt in the parking lot? So I told the fucker I was from Philadelphia too – which peaked his interest. As peaked as his interest was…I immediately told him I was fucking with him and asked for our food. Wifey gave him  reasonable doubt and assumed he was new to the job, so I asked how long he’d been working there…eight months. Man, punch out and go back to Phili to score some more heroin. Why the fuck are you even commuting from Phili to East Brunswick, NJ anyway? Long story short – the manager came over apologized and took care of the check. Sweet.

Tonight we got seated fast as hell at a table, guess Bone Fish just ain’t the place to be on a Friday night in winter. Ironically, I learned more about Bone Fish tonight than I ever thought I would. The people seated directly behind us were talking to someone (I don’t know, maybe the manager or owner?) about the brand. Apparently, Bone Fish along with a long list of other casual dining places; Long Horn Steak House, Carrabbas, Texas Roadhouse, etc. – all share the same parent company; Bloomin’ Brands. I fucking hate companies like this. I understand capitalism and growing your business and yadda yadda yadda, but I don’t understand the point of one corporation branching out into seventy different types of restaurant? Why not just focus your craft on one in particular and drive THAT particular type. This is an example of why these companies are stupid. Market over-saturation.

The food at Bone Fish always surprisingly seems kinda fresh. Tonight I was having no alcohol and wasn’t that hungry so just got an appetizer; Thai Coconut Shrimp. Shit was okay. I guess I was expecting something along the lines of Pad Thai for some reason. It was fried which I didn’t know when I ordered. I don’t understand why chains gotta fry so much shit on the menu. There are other creative ways to bring out good flavors in food. For instance, spit on it. I woulda probably  enjoyed this shrimp more if it was grilled, covered in feces THEN rolled in coconut. Regardless, I ate all of it because I ain’t about to waste the Wifes hard earned dough by not eating my fuckin’ fried nuggets of grease. This is the first time the food didn’t seem fresh. The fry took it away.

Ah, just remembered something else about this experience. They changed the glasses and how they serve you water. They used to give you a pint glass with ice and a straw. Now they bring out what appeared to be an old glass quart milk bottle filled with water and smaller glasses with no ice. I drink a lot of water and was thirsty cause I had been at the gym for two hours working on my guns. I think -total- we asked the waiter to fill the milk glass up four times. Big sis opted for a bottle of San Pellegrino…because as previously stated; she’s a high class, American economy stimulating hero. Hey, at least they’re doing the Eco-friendly thing and there won’t be any more straws going in the ocean that  fish will eat. Just like a True American Hero.